flower in bloom
published november 17, 2022
today i woke up extra early to get to work early and just stare at the trees. i really enjoy being on campus in the earlier hours because the sun hits the buildings and trees just right so that when i look up im not blinded by the light, but its not terribly dark that i cant see anything at all. theres something about seeing the rays of light shine down on the greenery, hearing the birds chirp, and noticing the fresh morning dew that fills my heart with joy. ive always considered myself more of a night person, but theres something about waking up and feeling at peace that makes me grateful to be alive to experience the tranquility of morning. its so much more relaxing when i still lived in my moms house because my room is the only room in the house that has direct sunlight at all hours of the
day. that meant it would get really hot in the summer too which wasnt awesome but it was very pleasant whenever the weather was
colder because my room would always be warm.
speaking of which, my room in san diego is currently being occupied by my moms friend ████, whos renting it out for 1k a month. i just think its funny that he was willing to move in with her, especially since my mom and ████ get into very frequent disagreements. apparently hes so fed up with living with her that hes going to move out soon
and just live in his car, which is hilarious. adults, especially relatives, in my life have never truly believed me when i said that living with my mom was a living hell and i only felt smug when i heard that ████ was fed up after only being there for about a month and a half. if he thought that was bad imagine living with her for two decades! with a little more than half of that time being spent sharing the same room as her! its enough to make anyone go crazy, and i fully believe thats what shaped me to be as insane as i am nowadays.
at least unlike the rest of my family, i actually do something about it and seek professional help. for my entire life, everyone in my family has denied me whenever i said i was struggling mentally because of my mom, and it occasionally makes me sad that i had to go out of my way to visit a hospital and get on medications just to prove to them that my struggles with mental health were real. i wish they had believed me when i was younger, maybe a lot of negative developments in my head couldve been avoided. but theres something about our previous generations that leads them to believe dealing with mental health automatically makes you weak and less than human. in their
eyes, to be depressed is to be ungrateful of gods blessings.
to be emotional is a sign of lack of control and confidence.
to be suicidal is an overreaction, and is considered
a joke. and to have all these traits as a kid is especially ignored, because everyone believes youre overreacting over the stress of a science project or your friend being mean to you. in their eyes, because youre a
