can be? what happened to the ash that had the strength to fight back anything that felt wrong?
i often feel weak nowadays. like all the barriers and limits i had have been broken down and all thats left of me is emptiness, as if i spent my entire life building this shell and not bothering to pay attention to what im even protecting in the first place. i feel nothing. i feel like im floating through life, like im the ghost that watches over the residents of a house, like im watching a concert from half a mile outside the venue. i know this illness is interfering with my ability to enjoy life, because i have always been the type of person to say that life is beautiful and should be appreciated. and i still do believe that, i just find myself to be an exception to my own motto somehow. and that really is just... not me.
im trying as hard as i can. im in so much pain that it hurts even to help myself. i wish people would cut all the bullshit about "healing by myself" because im really doing the best i can, but theres a point where i cant be alone anymore. its like trying to stitch up an open wound on my back,
theres only so much i can do just by blindly feeling my skin or using a
mirror. at some point i need someone else to step in and give me that little nudge to finish the job.
but that presents a whole other problem -- the more desperate i feel when asking for help, the more hopeless and erratic i get, to the point where my thoughts are running so fast that im freaking out because i feel like everything is out of control. like the blood is spilling
and im trying to thoroughly explain to a person with no medical background on how to deal with the current situation with limited supplies and time. because all i want is the pain to stop now, as soon as possible. i cant seem to wait like i used to be able to.
maybe its because i ran out of patience, or because ive been through so much that waiting feels like another version of being ignored. who knows?
life is beautiful and precious, yet equally devastating and hellish. thats the best way to describe how things have been for me in the last few weeks.
and with that i bid you goodnight for today... im not actually going to sleep yet, im going to get some more schoolwork done and do some more writing and just meditate a little.
